1.5 - Babies for Abby

Week 4 through the middle of week 5

Abby’s Accountings

My shipment of supplies came this week. In anticipation of my expanding family I bought some beds and a few playthings. Teddy bears and hopscotch courts.I was able to finally close in the upstairs although it is empty except for an old painting easel and one candle. The mob followed shortly after I paid for everything and took away the last bit of cash I had saved up from my job.  At least I have published a couple of books now which will be my only source of income since I had to quit my job.  Someone has to make that right some day!  How are we supposed to support our family?

I had a visitor today.  I haven’t been out much since becoming pregnant because I really needed to work on my books and it won’t be long until I have no time to write.  But about that visitor, Tolan Sagar came by.  I met him when I first arrived back here in the Valley after training camp. He is a bit younger than me, but we hit if off nicely and he was a welcome distraction today.

Tolan was fascinated with my expanding midsection so I let him feel the baby kick. We had this weird attraction, maybe it is because I am so starved for companionship.  Then, he awkwardly kissed me. I couldn’t imagine. He kissed me knowing that I was carrying another man’s child. We were both a little embarrassed at the suddenness of it. I was sad when he had to leave, but the curfew was soon and he didn’t want to risk being out too late.  

Another thing that needs fixing! The criminals are rampant. Before he left he asked me to let him know when the baby was born.  Of course I said I would. It was nice to have someone to share this with and who seemed to care about both me and my baby.

Welcome to this messed up world Houston Gentry!  

My sweet little baby boy was born today. I went into labor and had to deliver him all alone.  I tried to call Tolan, but couldn’t reach him because it wasn’t my “communications” day.  Hopefully someone will soon fix the communications. As a result, I had to power through it alone. Fortunately Houston made it into this world with no trouble really. Houston is a good baby, quite laid back. I love him more than I thought possible.

I finally reached Tolan and he came right over. Houston was sleeping so we had some quiet time to spend together. We started up right where we left off when he was last here, with a kiss.

My bed is the only place that two people can somewhat comfortably sit together in this little shelter. Maybe that wasn’t a good idea because we sorta got carried away.  I am blushing as I am writing this because someday Houston might read this. But by then, he should understand. I think we both needed that connection. Anyway, Houston woke up which effectively destroyed the mood and it was getting late so Tolan left. I figure I will see him again soon – at least I hope so. He makes me feel desirable again – and well – he is accessible where Houston’s father will never be.  Am I settling?

I haven’t written in a couple of months because I have been SO busy! When I am not caring for Houston or writing books, I am napping – I am so very tired all the time. Tolan hasn’t come by nor have I heard from him. I guess our night together followed by a crying baby spooked him and he ran. 

Well, if he does show up I have BIG news for him. He is going to be a father. Yes, I am pregnant with his child. When I was hugging that nasty toilet I wanted to kill him. But then I realized I wanted to have more children even though they are demanding.  They are the future and without them there is no future.  My time with Houston has made me very happy. 

Houston

Today is Houston’s first birthday and this baby is due any day. I still haven’t heard from Tolan. Well, as far as I am concerned, he doesn’t need to come back. Now that I have kids, I am no longer alone. Yes, I miss adult companionship, but my children are my priority.

I went into labor last week ALONE once again and it was double trouble. I really thought I might die. I was pretty frightened. I had to deliver two babies. Yes, twins. Most women at least have their husbands and family to help them. I only have me. Regardless, I managed – but just barely. A good hospital would have been nice. And yet ANOTHER thing that needs work! The potable water shortage and no access to health care is scary. Maybe one of my three children could become a great surgeon and reopen the hospital and purify the water system. Then folks could get good medical care.

Paris

Enough of my complaining. I named my first born Houston because Houston used to be largest City in Texas. This is where I had planned to live before the world fell apart and I wanted a reminder of how it used to be. Since I was also named for a Texas city, I figured I would carry on the tradition in honor of my mother and as such I named my twin girls Paris and Dallas.

Dallas

At least they provide plenty of milk so we can feed our babies. Not so much for the rest of us though. The food is just too messed up and they have to ration what is available. They do feed the school kids lunch and those of us lucky enough to work get fed as well in addition to our rations. Unfortunately, half the time school is cancelled. The toxicity of the snow gets really bad some days. Maybe one of my children will help figure out how to clear the ground of toxins and stop this eternal winter so that nutritious food can once again be farmed. A girl can dream - right?

I never planned on having another child, much less twins especially with a toddler running around. I love all my children to death, my death!  Yes, they surely just might be the death of me. All I seem to do now is change diapers, feed and soothe, change diapers, feed and soothe. I try to steal naps in between.  And writing, well that is only a fantasy at this point. At least Houston can hold his own bottle now! 

It has been 6 months since Paris and Dallas were born. Last week, FINALLY their father, Tolan, showed up full of apologies. He said he had been sent out on some top secret assignment for the past 18 months and because communication is virtually nil he had no way to let me know.  Whatever! I almost didn’t let him know about the twins, but that would have been wrong. Plus I wanted to rub it in his face that he wasn’t here and I had to have his kids and care for them alone, but I held my tongue. I let him come in and showed him his children. The look of love on his face and the sadness he exuded upon seeing the twins melted my heart. It made it very easy for me to accept his explanation at face value.

Miraculously, together, we got all three children asleep at the same time.  When Paris finally fell asleep and he laid her down, Tolan turned and wrapped his arms around me. I had missed this so much and apparently he felt the same way.  After we – um – celebrated his return Tolan said we needed to talk. He started with another apology. Then he dropped the bombshell.  He had to leave again and didn’t know for sure when he would be back. That made me angry. I am not just going to sit around waiting for him to jump in my bed whenever he wants. I am raising HIS kids and he isn't around. I don’t care if this is an apocalyptic world, I thought we had something and I know he loves the twins, but...well...I am sure I never want to see him again.  Ever.  I asked him to leave right then.  Girls, if you read this, please forgive me.

Well,crap! Two months later and the telltale nausea started again…I couldn’t even make it to the nasty toilet and just barfed in the snow. Dammit it Tolan, you come back, get me pregnant and leave me again. How am I going to make this work? Four children – please God – I love this baby inside of me, but let it just be one. I feel awful begging for that, but I don’t see how I can care for four, much less five. I am not getting any younger either. I feel my age and I am very weak. I was going to try and move the bed to make more room and it just wasn’t happening. Before, I was able to do it easily. Yet another issue with this messed up place we live in. Our muscles are degenerating in this soupy mess. I haven’t been able to work out as much as I would have liked, which does help a little, but not at all like it used to be. Just one more thing that needs fixing... 

  

Paris

Dallas

Happy Birthday Paris and Dallas!

Lucky me! I now have three toddlers and soon will have a brand new baby. But really I am thankful - even though they can crawl around and get into everything they are able to entertain themselves better. They are so cute. The warmest place is right next to the fireplace and they love to play and sleep right there on the floor. And I let them. All those books I bought at the consignment store are coming in quite handy. They kids love flipping through the pages. 

Little Dallas is going to be one smart cookie. She devours the books. Paris is quite content by herself and Houston is all about Houston.  He is too funny.

Today I heard some disturbing news. It seems that the toxicity in the environment or something related to it is causing the elderly to begin to lose themselves. Not only are we weaker and aging faster, dementia sets in quickly as we age. Once that happens, they are forced to stay at home unless they are accompanied by another adult to help protect them. Kids, if you are reading this and I am a crazy woman, just know that I love you three and the baby growing inside of me.

Houston

Houston will be starting school next week. I can’t believe it. It seems like yesterday that he was born. Now that Houston is school age I will be allowed more rations to feed my kids. That will be nice. Uh oh! I think my water broke. I will update if I survive this. OHHHHH!  I just had to type that...

Well, I survived…But let me just say, I always forget how much it hurts to push a kid out. I guess it’s true what they say, as soon as the baby is here you forget the pains of labor. But this time is seemed different.  Damn, it was painful. Maybe it’s because I am older and weaker that the pain was worse or maybe I am just upset because none of my children will have a father and soon, if the stories of dementia are true, they will have no mother.  

God answered my prayer and I actually delivered ONE surprisingly healthy little boy I named Austin. He reminded me so much of his father. He does seem to like attention or maybe I am just exhausted. On the bright side, the girls will be in school soon so it will be much less stressful taking care of just one baby. 

Piece of cake for this pro...oh cake...why did I have to think of that? At least my children won’t miss what they never had...I really feel bad all of a sudden. I have an overwhelming urge to check on Austin. I actually bought a crib for him with my last bit of money. But I wanted at least one infant to sleep comfortably.

This may be my last message. I feel the fuzziness coming over me. I can tell I lose days at a time. It seems I have been hiding food. Not sure why I am doing this unless it is some primal instinct or else I am simply crazy. 

I have tried to talk to Houston - to let him know as much as I can at his young age.  He was surprisingly receptive but not so motivated. He at least promised to feed his siblings. I guess that is all that I can ask. 

I told Houston about this journal and that he should share it with his brother and sisters when they were old enough. God – Houston isn’t old enough, but I guess in an apocalypse you grow up quickly – or not at all. 

I need to feed the snowman now because it's crying...no, not the snowman, they don’t eat. Hmmm. Oh, yes, feed the baby – I have a baby!! Okay, better now...Houston is hungry. Wait that is a city. Why do I need to feed a city...Okay Abby, get it together. A baby is crying...must feed it to make the crying stop. Paris - Austin - Houston - Dallas? I must be lost. Where the heck am I?

Abby

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